Total Flanker...a rugby blog

Just a bit of fun...

2012-02-02T18:06:00.000Z

For anyone interested this is how my Fantasy XV will line up for this weekend's opening 6N round:

Front row: Hartley, Servat, Best
2nd row: Pape, Gray
Back Row: Faletau, Parisse, O'Brien
Scrum Half: Yachvilli
Fly Half: Sexton
Centres: Barritt, Davies
Outside Backs: Clerc, Ashton, Bowe.

If you think you can do better (and can be arsed), pick your own team and join the TF Premier League (by entering PIN: 11661).

No prizes other than a virtual pat on the back and bragging rights in perpetuity...

England unveil new mascot

2012-02-01T18:01:00.000Z

Another no brainer

2012-01-30T18:29:00.000Z

A cite for sore eyes

2012-01-26T20:10:00.000Z

It has emerged today that Scotland coach Andy Robinson has plans to cite an England player after the Calcutta Cup match on 4th February.

This follows this week's admission by Robinson that Delon Armitage had been cited owing to his “arrogance” following England’s World Cup victory over Scotland in October.

Robinson confirmed that had Lewis Moody, rather than Armitage, committed the late tackle on Chris Paterson during the World Cup encounter, then no citing would have occurred. It was Armitage’s perceived attitude that caused Robinson to bring the incident to the attention of the citing officer.

And this blog can now exclusively reveal that England fullback Ben Foden will also be cited following the clash at Murrayfield next month . Foden is said to have once looked at Robinson “a bit funny”.

Dear Mr Odgers

2012-01-24T19:09:00.000Z

Dear Mr Odgers

I understand that you have been retained by the RFU to recruit a Head Coach for the England team. I therefore respectfully submit my application for the role.

Firstly I would like to say that that am happy to report directly to the CEO of the RFU, or indeed to anyone else once the CEO’s position has been undermined by those chaps in blazers at Twickenham. I think it is fair to say that for bucketloads of cash and a lucrative severance package I would be prepared to report to the head of catering if necessary.

Looking at the list of “key attributes” published in your advert I should point out that, although I don’t strictly have a background of demonstrable high-level achievement in a senior coaching role, I do regularly attend my son’s Under 9s football matches in the West Herts Youth League, where my role is that of unofficial Shouty Dad. The boys take very little notice of me and are currently second in their division, so you might say that my track record speaks for itself. To be fair, that’s about as much “high-level achievement in a senior coaching role” as the last bloke had.

You also say that the role requires an influential personality who is highly self-motivated, an instigator and driver of progress, with a commitment to delivering success and with a high level of integrity and credibility within the game. I need only to point you towards the magnificently successful touch rugby team (runners up 2 years in succession in the Chesham Touch Rugby Championship) of which I am an integral part (insofar as I always turn up). How much more integrity and credibility can you get?

As to the specific aspects of the role:

1. Develop and implement an agreed playing & coaching strategy – easy – quick ball, quick hands, quick feet. Rocket science it ain’t.

2. Lead and develop a culture of success and shared values – sorry, not sure what that means. If it means “try to win matches” I’ll do my best.

3. Lead the people and processes required to create a successful team – please could you speak English. Oh, I get it – be the boss. No problemo.

4. Relationship management – married for 17½ years. Need I say more?

5. Media and commercial focus – I have a blog, Total Flanker, you may have heard of it.

When I am appointed one of my first tasks will be to re-connect the England team with the public by selecting the Elite Player Squad mainly from the 3rd XVs of England’s junior clubs. It’s like I always say, there’s no “I” in “Elite”.

I would be grateful if you could pass my application to the powers that be in TW1.

Yours most sincerely

Mr T. F. Lanker

Ash Cash

2012-01-19T21:51:00.000Z

AND AS FOR THAT EFFING DIVE...

News that England winger Chris Ashton is moving from the Saints to Saracens for mega-bucks is hardly a surprise. Nor, quite frankly, is the news of his omission from this weekend’s Heineken Cup match against Munster and apparent bust-up with Saints' coach Jim Mallinder.

It may just be a public perception thing, but once again Ashton, not that long ago English rugby’s next big thing, is doing an excellent job of coming across as a complete WASSOCK.

In Ashton’s Twitter announcement he claims that the rest of the season is “all about Saints.” I do wonder whether it has ever been about Saints. The impression Ashton gives is that it’s always been about Ashton.

Jim Mallinder has clearly had enough. The question is, has Stuart Lancaster?

Whatever happened to: Rucking?

2012-01-19T08:00:00.000Z

Whatever happened to rucking?

I've touched on this before, but nowadays the ruck is a curious sight. A player is tackled then rolls around for a bit adjusting his body position in an attempt to place the ball back advantageously for his teammates. Meanwhile the tackler pops back up to his feet and squats over the tacklee trying to rip the ball from the tackler's grasp or, at the very least, to stop its release. In the meantime everyone else in the vicinity either dives to the ground to seal off the ball, launches themselves like a human torpedo at the developing pile-up or stands to one side of the melee with arm raised to signal that they know what they're doing even if no one else does. Everyone else fans out across the pitch in a leisurely fashion secure in the knowledge that the ball is not going to emerge anytime soon, while the referee scratches his head at the pointlessness of it all.

This, my friends, is known as a "ruck" and is characterised largely by the fact that if the ball ever does emerge it only does so after the scrum half has had time to pop the kettle on and phone his mother before arriving at its base.

'Twas not ever thus.

I realise that this will make me sound like the oldest of old gimmers, but back in my day things were different. From what I recall, when tackled the tacklee would, if he valued his hands, release the ball pretty much immediately. Those forwards arriving at the ruck (for the backs would never have dreamt of getting involved) would link up and endeavour to drive over the tackler and tacklee, both of whom would either try to roll away or cover head, face and other parts sensitive to being trodden on. The odd bruise or scrape would inevitably ensue or, if you were foolish enough to try to prevent the ball coming out, you would deservedly receive a "good shoeing".

Very occasionally those rucking over the ball would go too far but there's a big difference between being trodden on and being stamped on and I think both players and refs were perfectly aware of the distinction.

A boot to the head was wholly unacceptable and punished accordingly but I know of no one who had any objection to the use of the boot to the body in the act of rucking someone out of the way of the ball on the ground.

The key advantage of "traditional" rucking was that it produced quick ball. It also occupied forwards who might otherwise loiter in midfield clogging up the pitch.

With slow ball currently the bane of the modern game the answer, to me, is obvious: bring back the ruck.

Really? #2

2012-01-18T18:22:00.000Z

Looks like England's Six Nations campaign has been undermined before it has begun by the RFU’s decision to use a City headhunting firm to help choose the next England head coach.

Despite comforting words to the contrary from the RFU, caretaker coach Gordon Brittas doesn’t appear to warrant serious consideration given that:

(a) the RFU intend to announce a permanent head coach before the end of the Six Nations; and

(b) the liklihood that the headhunters will recommend anyone but the incumbent coach in an attempt to justify their no doubt exorbitant fee (call me a cynical old goat, but there you go).

Idiots.

Really?

2012-01-16T18:30:00.000Z

Following news that rugby league internationals Jamie Peacock and Kevin Sinfield will be addressing the England rugby union squad when it gets together at it’s Oop North training camp next week (along with England cricket managing director Hugh Morris, British Cycling's performance director Dave Brailsford and Simon Brown, a former army corporal who was shot in the face during service in Iraq) comes the revelation that the squad will also be addressed by that most eloquent of motivational speakers…Gary Neville.

Apparently Neville will tell the assembled players what it means to play for your country. Really.

All well and good and no doubt all this motivational chat will have the lads raring to go, but it does makes me wonder whether the squad will have time to engage in something as trivial and mundane as training?

Good grief, not this again...

2012-01-14T11:17:00.001Z

Never ones to let sleeping dogs lie, the good old British Press have this week been blaming Mike Tindall and fellow attendees at the Altitude bar in Queenstown, New Zealand in September for an assault on a chap with dwarfism outside a Somerset pub a month later.

Several rags (including one or two that really should know better) report that the attack, by a “hooded thug” was a “copycat of the shamed England rugby star Mike Tindall's behaviour in the summer.” This, despite there being absolutely no evidence that Tindall (or any other England player for that matter) did anything other than get pissed on the night in question nor any evidence that the alleged perpetrator of the attack (who has not been found) was trying to re-create something that didn’t actually happen.

Still, why let something as trivial as the facts get in the way of a good story?

And why, we may ask, is this being reported now, some 3 months after the event? This might sound somewhat churlish of me, but could it be that the alleged victim – who supposedly has a “promising acting career” – might be indulging in a spot of cheap PR?

Last of the Mohicans?

2012-01-13T19:09:00.000Z

Rumours that Quins prop and new addition to the England squad, Joe Marler, has been told to lose his distinctive Mohican hairstyle by the new England management are, apparently, wide of the mark.

Nevertheless, a haircut might not be a bad idea in order to, you know, demonstrate a smidgen of respect for the England shirt and show that he is taking this whole international rugby lark at least a little bit seriously.

It’s also going to look a bit silly when his Mohican head disappears up his own arse courtesy of Sig. Castrogiovanni.

Out with the old...

2012-01-11T19:50:00.000Z

The new England 6 Nations squad was announced today by caretaker head coach Arnold Rimmer, former holographic second technician of the mining spaceship Red Dwarf.

Forwards - Botha (Saracens), Clark (Northampton), Corbisiero (L.Irish), Cole (Leicester), Croft (Leicester), Deacon (Leicester), Dowson (Northampton), Hartley (Northampton), Lawes (Northampton), Marler (Harlequins), Mears (Bath), Morgan (Scarlets), Palmer (Stade Francais), Robshaw (Harlequins), Stevens (Saracens), Webber (Wasps), Wilson (Bath), Wood (Northampton).

Backs - Ashton (Northampton), Barritt (Saracens), Brown (Harlequins), Dickson (Northampton), Farrell (Saracens), Flood (Leicesters), Foden (Northampton), Hodgson (Saracens), Simpson (Wasps), Sharples (Gloucester), Strettle (Saracens), Tuilagi (Leicester), Turner-Hall (Harlequins), Youngs (Leicester).

As England squad announcements go, this one was about as predictable as a honey badger on speed, with several England regulars of recent vintage jettisoned in favour of young, eager upstarts from the Premiership.

So, progress of sorts but, never satisfied, for me the selection still does not go far enough.

Principal concerns include:

absence of a midfield cutting edge (what on earth does Billy 36 need to do?)
lack of backrow balance - no out-and-out openside
relatively lightweight second row
retention of a few fairly ordinary players who will not be around in 2015 and will contribute little in the interim.

The question is, if I was the head coach of one of England's 6 Nations rivals, would I be worried?

Rules is Rules

2012-01-09T20:55:00.000Z

A handy guide for any bloggers contemplating commenting upon England’s imminent 2012 Six Nations squad selection, taken directly from the 2012 edition of the Rugby Union Writers' Club's Rule Book:

Rule 25.1

Concerning the selection of the 2012 England Six Nations squad, in delivering your words of wisdom to the unwashed masses thou shalt:

25.1.1 at every opportunity make reference to England's failed 2011 Rugby World Cup campaign, which reference must include a minimum of 3 of the following phrases: dwarf-tossing; Tindall-gate; drinking culture; irresponsible; unprofessional; arrogant; not like Wales;

25.1.2 refer to the exclusion of Danny Care from the squad, making spurious comparisons between the disciplinary regimes of Stuart Lancaster and Martin Johnson;

25.1.3 use the following phrases: ‘exciting’, ‘youthful’, ‘fresh’ and ‘unburdened’ or, alternatively, ‘inexperienced’, ‘callow’ and ‘unproven’ or use all preceding phrases in morass of confusing mixed messages;

25.1.4 continuing the theme, emphasise the importance of England building towards the 2015 World Cup whilst simultaneously insisting that England win every match in the Six Nations;

25.1.5 pick a Premiership player at random and label him as the answer to England’s prayers with a view to calling for him to be publicly flogged when it all goes pear-shaped; and

25.1.6 if all else fails, dust off your annual "Bring Back Danny Cipriani and make him captain" article for publication at the first sign of whoever is chosen to play no.10 failing to walk on water.

England Carefree

2012-01-04T13:18:00.002Z

Sometimes you just have to wonder.

Given the controversy (deserved or otherwise) surrounding the off-field behaviour of England players at the RWC and the fact that only three weeks earlier he had been arrested and fined for being drunk and disorderly, what on earth was Danny Care thinking when he decided to get behind the wheel on New Year’s Eve when twice over the legal limit?

Care's subsequent exclusion from the England squad by Stuart Lancaster is what might also be used to describe the player himself...

...a no-brainer.

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T12:07:00.000Z

...and welcome to 2012.

Never one to mess with tradition, here are a bunch of rash predictions for the year ahead.

Six Nations – Wide open. Wales are nowhere as good as they think they are, nor are England anywhere near as bad as many so-called experts would have us believe. France will be their usual puzzle wrapped in a mystery enveloped by an enigma, Ireland will have to cope with the absence of midfield deity and Scotland and Italy will once again strive to avoid the wooden spoon. France to shade it.

Super 14 – Seriously no idea and, if I’m brutally honest, no interest.

Four Nations – introduction of Argentina, at last, should spice this up a little but I’m going for Australia to prosper from All Blacks RWC hangover.

Premiership – final in May to see a repeat of the recent Quins v Sarries match at Twickenham with a similar result. Newcastle Falcons to be relegated at long last.

Heineken Cup – difficult to see past Toulouse or one of Leinster or Munster.

England – Stuart Lancaster to introduce fresh young talent to the squad only for England to lose 6 Nations opener at Murrayfield, prompting the return of Borthwick, Tindall, Easter et al for the rest of the tournament. And I’m only half-joking.

Total Flanker Awards 2011

2011-12-14T21:36:00.000Z

My Lords, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to welcome you all to the 5th Annual Total Flanker Awards ceremony.

Yes, another year has passed by as if driven by Sebastian Vettel and here we are once again, deep into the festive season and poised to pay homage to the achievements of those who have caught our attention during the last 12 months.

It’s hardly been a year without incident, with political infighting, controversial refereeing, dwarf tossing and the very occasional outbreak of rugby to keep us entertained and so, without further ado, let’s gets straight to our first award of the evening, the Total Flanker Tales of the Unexpected Award.

One nominee for this award is the Welsh rugby team. Who’d have thought during Warren Gatland’s annus horribilis during 2010 that he’d be able to turn out such a competitive outfit at the World Cup? Another deserved nominee is the Saracens club. Who would have expected the South African-owned outfit to pack their backline with such exciting young English-qualified talent as Owen Farrell, Alex Goode, Ben Spencer, Brad Barritt and David Strettle (oh, and Charlie Hodgson)? Most unexpected. But no, the Award in fact goes to the entire nation of New Zealand. I hold up my hands to say that I believed that holding the RWC in New Zealand would be an error, that the infrastructure would struggle to cope and that the public’s obsession with the All Blacks would be to the detriment of the tournament as a whole. How wrong I was as the nation of New Zealand simply embraced the event and put on a superb tournament. I only wish I could have been there.

So, onwards and upwards to the Total Flanker Soap Opera Award. Only one possible winner here and, while the Lapasset v Beaumont spat at the IRB did its best to compete, the Rugby Football Union wins this award hands down. After a year which started so promisingly the RFU entered the last month of the year with no permanent CEO (Ian Ritchie having in fact been appointed earlier today), no Performance Director, no permanent Head Coach, an utterly discredited Management Board and more votes of no confidence and political infighting than you could shake a stick at. Eastenders and Coronation Street don’t even come close.

And now to the Total Flanker Utter Disgrace Award. And no, this is not another dig at the RFU, or an excuse for berating the England rugby squad, or a tirade against Prince Michael of Tindall. No, the much deserved recipients of this award are the honourable gentlemen of the British press corps whose rabid, moralising pursuit of scandal in New Zealand did them no credit whatsoever and the fact that they remain so smug after the fallout from England’s campaign is, in all honesty, a complete and utter disgrace. Never was an award so aptly named.

Moving swiftly along, our next award this evening is the much sought after Total Flanker Ascent into Sainthood Award. One illegal tackle in a World Cup semi final was all it took to start the process of beatification for Wales skipper Sam Warburton, whilst it seems that every time the Right Reverend Graham Henry now opens his mouth the media lap up his words as if they were at the Sermon on the Mount. But no, there is only one man this award could go to. Step forward St. Richie of McCaw whose one-legged, gravity-defying performance against Australia in the World Cup semi final simply beggared belief.

Next up is the Total Flanker How the Mighty Have Fallen Award. Nominees for this award are all, sadly, associated with England’s failed World Cup campaign. Martin Johnson – still a legend as a player but visibly diminished by events in New Zealand; Jonny Wilkinson – again, will always deservedly be a hero to English rugby fans but was reduced to blaming the balls for his kicking implosion at the World Cup; and the winner, Chris Ashton. I realise that this sounds more than a tad harsh, but I really did have high hopes for Ashton - half way through the 6 Nations he was flying (quite literally) but, when it mattered, when it really mattered, he simply did not deliver (hatfuls of tries against Georgia and Romania notwithstanding). I can’t help but think, though, that if he lost the swallow dive, lost the off-field antics and lost the onfield petulance he could be still be truly phenomenal.

Nearly there now – our final award is the Total Flanker Lucky Bastard Award. The clear winner of this gong is none other than Mr Warren Gatland. After another mostly underwhelming 6 Nations from Wales, Gatland looked to be pinning his hopes on the return of the prodigal son, Gavin Henson, to restore flagging Welsh hopes. Fortunately for Gatland, Henson injured his hand and was ruled out. Equally luckily, Stephen Jones was injured in the warm up before the friendly at Twickenham, allowing utility back Rhys Priestland to step in. And to cap it all, skipper Matthew Rees was ruled out with injury, the captaincy passing to the inspirational Sam Warburton. Not so much a meticulously planned campaign then, more like a series of extremely fortunate events.

And that’s it – all over for another year. For those with a short attention span here’s a list of our Awards this evening:

Total Flanker Tales of the Unexpected Award – the entire nation of New Zealand
Total Flanker Soap Opera Award – the RFU
Total Flanker Utter Disgrace Award - the British Press
Total Flanker Ascent into Sainthood Award – Richie McCaw
Total Flanker How the Mighty Have Fallen Award – Chris Ashton
Total Flanker Lucky Bastard Award – Warren Gatland

New Big Cheese at HQ

2011-12-14T18:40:00.000Z

The Rugby Football Union has announced the appointment of former chief exec at the All England Lawn Tennis Club, Ian Ritchie, as its new CEO.

Must say, he looks good in a blazer.

He'll fit right in.

Bye bye Jonny

2011-12-13T13:30:00.000Z

91 England caps, 6 Lions caps, 1,246 points, 4 World Cups, 2 Lions tours.

The stats, however, only tell a fraction of the story.

Had Jonny Wilkinson not suffered such a succession of serious injuries after 2003 he would have undoubtedly set benchmarks in international rugby that would surely never have been matched.

And yet doubts persist (not least in his own mind) about whether he was/is a truly great player, doubts which should simply be dismissed.

From 1999 to 2003 no other fly half came close to Wilkinson on the rugby pitch. Forget talk of being manufactured or of being only a kicker and a tackler. Put simply, Jonny was a phenomenal rugby player.

And as for that drop goal...

Furthermore, his international retirement is a typically selfless act. How easy would it have been to hang on in there and win another 3 caps off the bench to take him to the magic 100? That Wilkinson instead chose to relieve the new management team of the pressure of having to decide whether to leave out England's favourite son is a mark of the man.

Enjoy the sun on your back in Toulon, Jonny...

Get Carter

2011-12-12T18:24:00.002Z

Those wondering as to what might have happened to Sébastien Chabal need wonder no further.

Last Thursday Chabal (or, given his energetic contribution, a 2006 time-travelling version of Chabal, complete with posh home counties accent) turned up at Twickenham under the pseudonym “John Carter” where he led Oxford to victory over a far better looking (‘twas ever thus) Cambridge in this year’s Varsity Match.

So now you know.

Bye-bye Wally

2011-12-07T08:58:00.001Z

Sad news about the re-retirement of Steve "Wally" Thompson, following another neck injury - not least because (unlike Ickle Shane) he departs the game with a whimper rather than a bang.

Although his second coming was nowhere near as impressive as his first, the game will still miss the man who (in my humble opinion) was the world's best hooker in 2003.

Sweet Revenge

2011-12-06T21:16:00.001Z

Ah, Chris Ashton.

Having last season been punched into next week by Manu Tuilagi, on Saturday he exacted his revenge by pulling Manu's brother's hair. Sweet revenge indeed.

This time last year Ashton was being talked about by many as possibly the best winger in world rugby. And today? A swallow-diving, dwarf-wrestling, maid-abusing, hair-pulling show off. Time to grow up.

Congratulations

2011-12-06T19:39:00.000Z

Belated congrats to the England Women’s rugby team who completed their series victory over world champions New Zealand Black Ferns on Saturday at Esher RFC.

That they were denied a clean sweep – Saturday’s 8-all draw sitting alongside their 10-0 victory at Twickenham the previous Saturday and their their 21-7 win on Tuesday – should take nothing away from their achievement.

The fact that both teams managed to play 3-match international series in the space of a week is also noteworthy and a testament to the players’ fitness.

Shane who?

2011-12-05T23:31:00.000Z

And so, a fond farewell to Ickle Shane Williams.

Although personally never wholly convinced by the little maestro (which I realise sounds a tad churlish), there's no doubt that he was capable of moments of magic and, although not quite the fairy tale ending, there was still barely a dry eye in the Millenium Stadium when he crossed for the final try against Australia on Saturday.

Furthermore I doubt we'll see his like again now that behemoth wingers have become the norm.

And so it continues...

2011-11-29T23:31:00.000Z

I have to admit that I’m a tad fatigued by the ongoing farce at HQ to the extent that I can barely be arsed to comment.

The latest development appears to be that Prince Mike of Tindall, fined £25k and dropped from the England squad for going out and getting very pissed on a management-sanctioned and RFU-funded piss up, has now had his fine reduced to £15k and has been restored to the squad - largely, it appears, on the basis that he was too pissed to remember what happened and therefore could not possibly have misled the England management as to his actions.

The man coming to this conclusion was chief mischief maker Martyn Thomas in his last act as acting CEO, a man who, having escaped his own misconduct charge, might be described as having had nothing to lose.

Entirely coincidentally, when asked this morning by the BBC who he thought might have leaked the three confidential Rugby World Cup reviews to The Times last week, Brian Moore commented that the source might well have been someone with nothing to lose.

Just saying...

Twicki-Leaks

2011-11-23T10:29:00.019Z

No, not leeks, LEAKS!

The revelations behind England's Rugby World Cup failure, contained in the three confidential reviews leaked to The Times, are shocking enough and, predictably, have spawned a plethora of “I told you so” articles from the holier-than-thou British press corps.

The fact that the three CONFIDENTIAL reports – by the RFU, by the players' union and by the professional clubs – were leaked in the first place is also utterly indicative of the current malaise at the top of the English game. The word ' disgrace' is overused but in this instance is entirely apt.

The only morsel of comfort is that, with this all now out in the open, England rugby might, just might, be able to (in the words of Edwyn Collins) rip it up and start again.

100 Pigs

2011-11-22T19:14:00.000Z

News today that the Samoan RWC team manager Mathew Vaea has been fined 100 pigs by his home village for alleged drunken behaviour in New Zealand.

Village leaders have apparently have ordered Vaea to pay 100 sows for bringing his chiefly title of "tuala" into disrepute.

Reports remain unconfirmed that Mike Tindall will, at his RFU appeal on Thursday, offer to pay his £25k fine in livestock.

All aboard the bandwagon

2011-11-17T13:31:00.001Z

The sport of Rob Andrew-bashing appears to be the latest craze sweeping the nation’s media in the wake of Martin Johnson’s resignation.

For reasons previously hinted at, it is not a bandwagon upon which this blog will be jumping.

It seems to me that certain journalists and commentators simply resent the fact that Andrew has somehow been able to survive amidst the political maelstrom that habitually engulfs the committee rooms and corridors at HQ.

By virtue of the fact that he is last man standing, Rob Andrew is a convenient target for what can only be described as a media witch hunt. And that, I'm afraid, is more than a tad pathetic.

The King is dead. Long live the King?

2011-11-16T18:19:00.001Z

So, Martin Johnson has fallen on his sword. Frankly I don’t blame him. Who in their right mind would wish to continue working for such a dysfunctional bunch of muppets? He deserved better.

The priority now is for the RFU to get its shit together. Don't hold your breath but then, and only then, will England be able to begin the Long March towards 2015.

What England players need to feel when they enter the international environment is that it is a marked step up from their clubs. It’s somewhat fanciful, but here’s an elite coaching team who could drag the England team, kicking and screaming, along the track to the next World Cup:

Head Coach/ Manager: Nick Mallet – available, experienced, successful and a strong enough character to deal with the egos in the squad, coaching team and, more importantly, the RFU.

Forwards Coach: Dorian West or Dean Ryan or anyone who might finally persuade English forwards to produce quick ball.

Scrum Coach: Phil Keith-Roach or Mike Cron – why settle for someone still learning his job when you can employ one of the top 2 scrummaging gurus in world rugby?

Attack Coach: Brian Ashton – or if not him the closest thing we have to Brian Ashton – Mike Catt.

Defence Coach: Dave Ellis - available, experienced, successful…

Kicking Coach: Dave Alred – has his issues, but is still arguably the best kicking guru out there.

Perspective

2011-11-15T23:30:00.000Z

The shocking news earlier this week that 32 year old former Springbok flanker Solly Tyibilika had been shot dead in a Cape Town bar should put all the petty shenanigans at the RFU into sharp perspective.

It should do but it won't.

On the slate

2011-11-15T18:56:00.000Z

What's in the bottle Mike?

It turns out it's all been one giant misunderstanding.

Not only did the RFU sanction the England players' now infamous night out in Queenstown, the RFU also agreed to pick up the tab and re-invoice Mike Tindall £25k.

A source close to Mrs Tindall confirms that she fully understands that, as stand-in skipper, it was Mike's shout. It is believed that she is planning to auction off a couple of tiaras to cover the cost.

Recidivist

2011-11-12T11:10:00.000Z

Following Delon Armitage's suspension from rugby this week for a fourth time in 11 months, his rap sheet for 2011 now reads as follows:

- 8 weeks for pushing a doping control officer;

- 3 weeks for punching Northampton’s Stephen Myler;

- 1 week for high tackle on Scotland's Chris Paterson;

- 5 weeks for dangerous tackle on Bath wing Tom Biggs and 3 weeks (to run concurrently) for kneeing lock Dave Attwood.

Armitage is fast becoming something of a recidivist and clearly suspensions have little effect as a deterrent. Perhaps it’s time to start hitting him where it hurts – in the pocket.

On the wings of a Dove

2011-11-11T22:21:00.000Z

Welsh fans can now rest easy. Although the Ospreys have turned their backs on years of Welsh rugby tradition by not allowing their players to spray tan, the WRU has ridden to the rescue of the Welsh metrosexual by announcing that it has signed a deal with Dove Men+Care for the title sponsorship of the Wales v Australia game in December.

Audible sighs of relief all round, no doubt, as Messrs Hook, Phillips, Henson & Co retain access to their essential skincare products.

"As a brand which combines powerful technology and care, Dove Men+Care makes a natural partner for rugby” said a spokesperson.

Or some such bollocks.

Where's the soap?

Justice?

2011-11-11T17:57:00.003Z

Hmmmmm...

Mike Tindall’s removal from the England squad is utterly pointless given that his England career was almost certainly over in any event and, given that the night out in Queenstown was authorised by management, the £25k fine is just barmy. Talk about an expensive night out. I’d be straight on the blower to my solicitor.

Meanwhile the suspended £5k fine levied against each of Chris Ashton and James Haskell for inappropriate banter with a hotel maid in Dunedin is somewhat bizarre given that the RFU inquest concluded that the allegations of serious wrong-doing were “entirely false”. Go figure.

I'm sure, however, that it will be of great comfort to the players that they have the right to appeal to the recently-ousted RFU acting chief executive, Martyn Thomas. Or maybe not.

My Life as a Basket Case

2011-11-10T19:00:00.000Z

Published today, Jonny Wilkinson's stunning autobiography, My Life as a Basket Case:

"I...lower myself into the water until I'm completely submerged, and then I let out a scream of total frustration. I come up for air and then submerge myself again and scream again. No words, just pure desperation. I carry on screaming as long and as loud as I can and I don't stop until I am hoarse. I cannot find any other way of dealing with this non-stop barrage of thoughts and negativity."

"I am so desperate to get it right, so driven by the annoyance and fear of not getting it perfect, that the anger I feel inside begins to express itself physically. I don't know what it is, but my frustration is so intense I start shouting at the walls, screaming obscenities."

"When my left foot lets me down, I stamp down hard on it. At one stage, I am so livid that, before I know it, I am sinking my teeth into my hand, trying to bite right through the skin between my thumb and index finger."

"I have visualised perfect outcomes of every kick, but when my practice doesn't match that, I have to take it out on something, so I start tearing my T-shirt apart. This becomes habitual; I start getting through way too many T-shirts."

Available at all good book shops and psychiatric clinics.

Making plans for Nigel...

2011-11-09T23:35:00.001Z

According to Llanelli Scarlets coach Nigel Davies, some games are being ruined by players cheating in scrums.

In other news, Davies also claims that the earth is round, the Pope is a Catholic and that Dolly Parton sleeps on her back.

England - a 5 point plan

2011-11-07T19:30:00.000Z

Yep, me again, still banging on about England.

Here it is, the Total Flanker solution to all of England's woes - a brief 5 point plan to ensure that England conquer the rugby world in 2015...

1. Sort out HQ – the internal bickering and political manoeuvring has to stop. Get it sorted and start giving proper support to the team management.

2. Out with the old and in with the new- no pussy-footing around and no talk of transitional periods. Any player considered unlikely to be around for selection in 2015 should not be picked for England again. Experience wins World Cups. Ergo, young English talent needs to be given opportunities sooner rather than later to build a wealth of international experience come 2015. George Ford, Owen Farrell et al should be fast-tracked into the elite squad. And, while we're at it, appoint a young captain for the long term.

3. Bring in the best - use the RFU's considerable financial muscle to bring in best of breed as head coach and allow him to go out and cherry pick his coaching team. And forget the idea of making Martin Johnson into some kind of disenfranchised figurehead - either he's the big cheese who runs the show or he moves on.

4. Get tough - no stupid haircuts, no stupid swallow-dives, no stupid extra-curricular stuff. Get the squad to buy into a code of conduct and enforce it rigorously. If they have any pride in themselves at all the players themselves should insist on this.

5. Sign Sam Tomkins - however it's done just make it happen.

Not exactly rocket science...

(Someone sign this man now - POSTSCRIPT)

2011-11-07T18:52:00.000Z

News today that Saracens have signed Sam's brother, Joel Tomkins, from Wigan for £250,000. Do you think that anyone at Sarries realises that they've signed the wrong Tomkins?

Someone sign this man now

2011-11-06T16:33:00.001Z

Spent yesterday afternoon in front of the telly watching the England v Australia Rugby League Test at Wembley.

Aside from being reassured by the fact that the refereeing performance was even worse than any witnessed at the World Cup, what stood out for me was the performance of English fullback Sam Tomkins.

With Premiership clubs allowed make one marquee signing outside of the salary cap as from the 2012-13 season, someone really should should move heaven and earth to get this guy signed up.

Blessed with pace, acceleration, a superb step and dexterous hands, Tomkins would be a sensational Union player and would make an impact on the England team not seen since Jason Robinson.

You know it makes sense.

Not before time

2011-11-03T07:30:00.000Z

Reports are coming in of an outbreak of common sense in TW1 of pandemic proportions.

First came news that the machiavellian Martyn Thomas is being forced to step down from his highly paid role as acting CEO of the RFU as well as his role as as chairman of Rugby World Cup 2015.

Then came confirmation that the so-called independent review of England's World Cup campaign, commissioned by Thomas and led by his opinionated ally Fran Cotton, is to be abandoned.

What next? The removal of the discredited Management Board? The appointment of a competent CEO who is left to get on with his job? The appointment of an England head coach who is allowed to bring in his chosen coaching team? Has the world gone mad?

Off colour

2011-11-02T20:31:00.001Z

Seismic changes across the Severn, as perennial underachievers the Ospreys ban fake tans and coloured boots.

STATUS SYMBOL

As attempted re-brands go, the declaration that players are now not allowed to have a spray tan is pretty radical, and may go some way to explaining the absence of preening prima donnas Mike Phillips, James Hook and Gavin Henson from the Liberty Stadium this season.

Just to prove, however, that the Ospreys’ priorities may still be a little off-kilter, a player’s status at the club will now be judged by the colour of his boots, with players only allowed to wear coloured boots once they have played over 50 times for the Ospreys or over 15 times for their country.

Coming up next: Ospreys announce that only the club captain may shave or wax his legs.

Should he stay or should he go now?

2011-11-01T23:16:00.000Z

...if he goes there will be trouble, and if he stays there will be double.

Rumours suggest that the powers-that-be at Twickenham now want Martin Johnson to stay as England manager on the condition that he will have to agree to a cull of his coaching team.

Who those powers-that-be are remains unclear. The dead-man-walking Martyn Thomas? The totally discredited Management Board? The “independent” Fran Cotton? Rob Andrew?

Whoever they may be, history shows that any such plan is just plain idiotic. I seem to recall the RFU tried something similar when Andy Robinson was in charge, sacking his coaching staff and foisting John Wells, Brian Ashton and Mike Ford upon him. We all remember how successful that was.

Whither England 2011

2011-10-27T21:13:00.000+01:00

Four years ago, after the 2007 World Cup, I wrote an optimistic post entitled “Whither England”, such optimism being based on the presumption that

England

would move forward with a degree of stability.

Stability? What was I thinking? Four years on and here we are after another World Cup with an England squad in crisis, a coaching team on the verge of being disbanded and a governing body not fit for purpose and awash with internal investigations and reviews.

The good news is that the news isn’t all bad. A poor World Cup aside, the following players can all still be said to have had a decent last 12-18 months in an England shirt and should form the basis of the England squad in 2012:

Alex Corbisiero, Matt Stevens, Dan Cole, Dylan Hartley, Tom Palmer, Courtney Lawes, Tom Croft, Tom Wood, James Haskell, Ben Youngs, Toby Flood, Manu Overboard, Chris Ashton and Ben Foden.

That’s not a bad core group and, if you also consider the success of the England Under 20s last season and the fact that Tigers fly half George Ford has just been named IRB young player of the year, there is every reason to think that the bare ingredients are there for England to be successful.

Unfortunately it's not just going to be about the playing personnel as we come back to that word again – stability. For England to prosper we will need a stable and supportive RFU as well as a senior coaching team willing to embrace whatever it takes to produce a winning team.

Put simply, what is needed is a leaner, fitter, more technically accomplished and utterly professional England squad, doing the simple things well.

I won’t be holding my breath.

Tindall's Pants

2011-10-27T18:36:00.000+01:00

Mike Tindall as you've never seen him before (unless you're reading this Mrs T):

The cause, Rugby for Heroes, is a noble one.

The timing, however, might have been a tad more judicious. And as for the caption...

Reasons to be cheerful, 1 2 3

2011-10-26T18:23:00.000+01:00

George Ford – IRB Junior Player of the Year.
Courtney Lawes – named in a composite team of the Rugby World Cup. OK, so it was a team voted for by Facebook Group Queer Eye for the Rugby Guy but, hey, right now we’ll take what we can get.
Err, that's all.

[For those interested the full Queer Eye for the Rugby Guy team reads: 1. Cian Healy, 2. Ross Ford, 3. Owen Franks, 4. Courtney Lawes, 5. Victor Matfield, 6. Inaki Basauri, 7. David Pocock, 8. Sergio Parisse, 9. Mike Phillips, 10. Francois Trinh-Duc, 11. James O'Connor, 12. Sonny Bill Williams, 13. Maxime Mermoz, 14. Richard Kahui, 15. Frans Steyn.]

Four more years

2011-10-25T18:14:00.000+01:00

And so it is over. Another Rugby World Cup has come and gone - another 7 weeks of my life that I'll never reclaim.

For what it's worth, a few reflections:

The Final: Congratulations again to New Zealand. Much deserved and the 24 year old monkey is finally off the back. But, amidst the understandable euphoria down under, there really does need to be an acknowledgement of the French contribution to a fabulous match. Written off by everyone (me included), they were just magnificent. Perhaps Marc Le Fou is a genius after all.
The Final#2: The referee had half of a very good game. Mr Joubert did a particularly good job refereeing France. It would have been nice if he'd also refereed New Zealand. Just saying.
The Final#3: The IRB have fined France for advancing towards the Haka on Sunday, an act which added hugely to the drama and theatre of the occasion but which was in defiance of IRB regulations which stipulate that the opposition team should stay on or behind their own 10 metre line. It's about time someone told the IRB where to shove this particular piece of politically correct bureaucratic bollocks and I hope the French simply refuse to pay.
England: that the Rugby World Cup was very nearly won by a team that England beat comfortably back in February should be a sobering thought.
Game of the tournament: the Final. For sheer drama it really had everything.
Try of the tournament:- Didn't see it live owing to the ungodly hour, but the dummying, side-stepping effort from Welsh prop Gethin Jenkins against Namibia takes some beating, even allowing for the opposition.
Player of the tournament: Mike Tindall. Just kidding. No, my vote goes to newly crowned IRB player of the year, Thierry Dusautoir, who was immense throughout despite the chaos of the French campaign and who produced one of the greatest performances of all time on Sunday. McCaw, Kaino, Warburton and Harinordiquy were also contenders. And yes, I realise that all the aforementioned are backrowers. So sue me.
Hair of the tournament: Without his marvellous barnet, Radike Samo is only 5 foot 7.
Special mention: to France, for allowing the All Blacks to play in black in the Final, despite winning the toss to decide choice of kit.
And finally, the Total Flanker Dunderhead of the Tournament Award - for all the reasons previously mentioned on this blog, the British Press. Disgraceful performance.

Phil Vickery: Masterchef

2011-10-24T22:38:00.002+01:00

Putting the World Cup firmly to one side, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to congratulate former England skipper Phil Vickery on his victory in Celebrity Masterchef this weekend.

He may not have lifted the Webb Ellis Cup in 2007, but surely winning the coveted Masterchef trophy is compensation enough.

The Raging Bull saw off the challenge of broadcaster Kirsty Wark and actor Nick Pickard in the competition's final.

The winning menu:

Scallops with black pudding, pea shoots, crispy Parma ham and apple puree
Fillet of lamb with baby carrots, asparagus wrapped in mint and Parma ham and fondant potatoes
Orange and chocolate bread and butter pudding served with clotted cream.

Bang goes the diet...

RWC Final 2011 - Initial thoughts

2011-10-23T12:01:00.000+01:00

Many congratulations to the All Blacks - much deserved winners over the course of the tournament but boy did you ride your luck today.

In a cracking match only heroic defence and some debatable decisions kept les Bleus at bay today. Against all expectations I thought the French were just excellent and were unlucky not to get a result - but I guess they used up all their luck in the semi-final.

And it would have been nice for Messrs Henry and McCaw to have acknowledged the French effort during the post-match TV love-in.

Just saying...

The Total Flanker Guide to: the Rugby World Cup Final 2011

2011-10-21T19:25:00.000+01:00

How does one preview a foregone conclusion?

Because a foregone conclusion is surely what Sunday’s Rugby World Cup Final is. The impression I get from what I read and from what I hear is that the world expects New Zealand to stroll to victory on Sunday. And quite right too, based on what has gone before.

There is always the possibility that France might be able to dredge up a performance from somewhere. But from where? In the pool games they summoned up 10 minutes against Japan, maybe 15 minutes against each of New Zealand and Canada and nothing at all against Tonga. They then impressed for 20 minutes in the quarter final against England but followed that by more or less refusing to play any rugby against Wales in the semi final. So that’s a total of around 60 minutes half-decent rugby at this tournament which, even were they to reproduce this on Sunday, would still be nowhere near enough.

There is also the possibility of an All Black choke, but I wouldn’t count on it. If the choke was going to happen anywhere it would have occurred against Australia last week when the tension dial was turned up to 11. I sense that reaching the final has considerably eased the pressure on the New Zealand team. Might this be counter-productive and lead to complacency? I suspect not.

From a neutral’s perspective I hope that France produce that elusive performance out of nowhere and make a real game of it. There have only been 2 finals in Rugby World Cup history where the result has not been close – 1987 and 1999 – and both times it was the French who finished as heavily beaten runners-up. Who knows whether or not this French team can reverse that trend? I hope so. If New Zealand are to be crowned champions, as we all expect, let’s hope at least that they are made to work for it.

Diolch a nos da

2011-10-21T18:59:00.000+01:00

So Wales will go home having finished fourth at this World Cup, a prize they would probably have taken before the tournament began.

Apologies if this sounds as if I'm pissing on Welsh fireworks but, despite being praised to the rafters by the media and the hysteria generated by the quarter final victory over the Irish, the bare facts show that

Wales

ultimately came up short at this tournament.

That Wales have some talented young players is not in doubt but, having lost to South Africa, France and

Australia

, the jury is still out on the question of whether this so-called “Golden Generation” can deliver in tight games against the top teams.

Just saying…

'The Match'

2011-10-19T23:29:00.002+01:00

No, not THAT match.

I've been contacted by photographer David Matches who has spent the last 5 years taking a series of life-sized portraits of amateur and international rugby players in New Zealand, resulting in an exhibition - ‘The Match’ - currently being shown in the NZ Portrait Gallery in Wellington, closing on 1st November.

The portraits, photographed between 2006 and 2011, are designed to capture the essence of rugby with players being photographed as they left the field of play before the effects of the match could evaporate, stood against a white paper backdrop taped to the clubhouse, with only a single photograph of each player being taken.

Great concept - I admit I'm a bit of a sucker for this kind of thing and am delighted to give David a bit of a plug. And if the photos are ever turned into a book...

For more info please visit www.davidmatches.co.uk/ or www.portraitgallery.nzl.org/.

To cheat or not to cheat...

2011-10-18T19:31:00.000+01:00

Warren Gatland has admitted that he considered cheating on Saturday by faking an injury to one of his team's props to take a game to uncontested scrums but decided not to do so because it was "morally wrong" (well, duh).

And, in a somewhat bizarre application of logic, he also suggested that because he decided not to cheat, the referee should not have sent off Sam Warburton. Go figure.

I can only imagine the hellfire and damnation that would have descended upon Martin Johnson had he, rather than Warren Gatland, made the same admission...

Seeing Red

2011-10-17T18:34:00.000+01:00

As the debate about Sam Warburton’s red card rages on I must admit that my initial reaction of astonishment and outrage has given way to a more considered view.

Given the IRB directive on the tip tackle, Alain Rolland really had no choice other than to send the Welsh skipper off. That other refs in the RWC have not applied the law correctly in the tournament is irrelevant. Regrettably he had to go.

However, despite playing for most of the match with a man down, a dysfunctional lineout and a scrummage in retreat (which probaby should have been penalised or more than one occasion),

Wales

still had more than enough possession and field position to win the game. Poor decision making in the absence of Rhys Priestland cost them dearly and the fact the rookie fly half was missed so badly doesn't reflect at all well on either of James Hook or Stephen Jones.

All that said, my initial view that this was an immense Welsh performance in the face of adversity remains undiminished. In particular Jamie Roberts, Toby Faletau, Leigh ½ p and McDonalds Phillips were all absolutely top drawer and the team can be rightly proud of its efforts. Crikey, even Luke Charteris is now beginning to look like a rugby player.

For those claiming that Wales are well set for RWC 2015, however, a note of caution. Yes, Wales currently have a good young squad with loads of promise but, as Francois Piennaar said on Saturday, the World Cup is all about the here and now. Wales were superbly prepared for this particular tournament. Arguably, therefore, 2011 was their one chance to land the biggest of prizes and, for whatever reason, they failed to take it. Who knows whether the same opportunity will present itself in four years time?

Blimey

2011-10-16T22:39:00.000+01:00

A ruthlessly physical performance today full of skill, intensity, athleticism and brutality. And that was just St. Richie of McCaw. I have to admit I have never before witnessed a man strip the ball from the grasp of another while upside down mid-somersault. Truly extraordinary.

The rest of the All Blacks weren't half bad either.

On the basis of today's performance we may as well just hand over the Webb Ellis trophy to New Zealand right now and save everyone the bother of turning up next Sunday. France simply haven't a prayer.

Glorious Failure

2011-10-15T12:09:00.000+01:00

Hats off to Wales - a hugely brave, immensley committed and utterly disciplined performance from the men in red today in the face of adversity and a series of unfortunate events - the loss of Adam Jones, the ridiculous sending off of their captain (red, Monsiueur Rolland, are you serious?), a conversion hitting the post and a last gasp penalty missing by inches.

With 14 men for over 60 minutes the performance was nothing short of heroic - and Toby Faletau in particular came of age as an international player of serious quality.

Wales have achieved much in this tournament, not least keeping the likes of Mike Phillips and Andy Powell off the front pages of the newspapers. Ultimately, however, for whatever reason, the Welsh campiagn has ended in failure - glorious failure undoubtedly - but failure nevertheless.

How very, very British.

This blog is now officially French.

Sour Grapes

2011-10-15T00:24:00.000+01:00

South African rugby fans appear to have taken their team's exit in the RWC quarter final last week very badly indeed, blaming referee Bryce Lawrence for costing them the game.

And, despite plenty of evidence that Lawrence is merely an incompetent fool as opposed to a biased cheat, the head the University of Cape Town's Sports Science Department, Tim Noakes, has now waded into the debate, effectively accusing Lawrence of match fixing.

"When science is manipulated to produce a predetermined outcome, it's called bent science," says Noakes, very scientifically.

"When the outcome of a sporting event is predetermined, we call it match fixing."

"There was something wrong with that game. It seems it was predetermined."

Sounds conclusive enough to me but, in an added twist, Noakes has called on the IRB to prove that South Africa's exit from the World Cup was not fixed and, by asking them to prove a negative, has ensured that his theory cannot be disproved.

Clever chaps, these scientists.

Fear factor

2011-10-14T21:22:00.000+01:00

I must admit I’m looking forward to watching a bit of rugby this weekend without having to wake up in the morning feeling sick with anticipation and fear. Well done England.

So, far from feeling envious, I in fact pity the French, the Welsh, the Aussies and the Kiwis.

Especially the Kiwis, as New Zealand’s semi-final against Australia on Sunday has taken on a national significance way beyond the imagination of mere mortals.

The

New Zealand

nation has had, let’s face it, a disastrous year. After the devastating earthquakes in Christchurch and the mining disaster at Pike River, now comes an oil tanker aground in the Bay of Plenty on the North Island, spilling thousands of gallons of oil into the ocean and polluting kilometres of otherwise pristine coastline – and this in a country that justifiably takes massive pride in its natural beauty.

And so to the rugby – a chance for New Zealanders to put their annus horribilis year behind them – a chance for the All Blacks to progress to the World Cup Final – a chance to compete for a prize that, despite consistently being ranked #1 in world rugby, the All Blacks have failed to land for 24 years – a chance that they must take without their poster-boy talisman – a chance that they must take with their captain playing on one leg – a chance that they must take against their old foe Australia, a team that has beaten them twice in the last 12 months – a chance that they simply must take.

Put simply the All Blacks have a chance to lift the hopes and spirits of a nation. Or to leave them damaged beyond repair.

Melodramatic as it sounds, defeat to Australia could be one disaster too far.

Quote of the day

2011-10-14T19:35:00.000+01:00

Tom Shanklin on Twitter:

The last time I was this nervous about a semi I was watching Brokeback Mountain.

:))

Welsh don't cry

2011-10-14T18:30:00.000+01:00

According to a report in the Telegraph, the Solicitors' Disciplinary Tribunal heard yesterday that a Welsh solicitor's law firm collapsed after he became so ill he could not bear to open his post.

Counsel for the defence said the solicitor could not bare his soul because of his ancestry, adding: "Welshmen do not cry in front of people - unless they lose at rugby."

With the Welsh nation (ably supported by the British press) talking up their team's chances to unprecedented levels (and that's saying something), let's just hope that the solicitor in question has no need of his handkerchief tomorrow morning.

Independence Day

2011-10-13T19:02:00.000+01:00

The RFU's independent review of England’s failed World Cup campaign is to be led by none other than Fran Cotton.

That's the same Fran Cotton who called for the resignation of the then CEO John Steele back in May this year, who has declared himself to be a "massive fan" of Sir Clive Woodward and who has more or less already pre-judged the issue by publicly declaring Mike Tindall's behaviour in New Zealand as "unforgivable."

That's the same Fran Cotton presumably appointed by the discredited Management Board and self-appointed acting CEO Martyn Thomas, currently out in New Zealand with his RFU cronies on an all-expenses paid freebie.

Independent? My arse.

Meanwhile Martin Johnson has been given 2 weeks by Thomas to decide whether or not he wishes to be considered for re-appointment when his contract expires in December.

I wouldn't blame Johnson at all if he decided to walk away from this shambolic excuse for a governing body.

Whooooosh...

2011-10-12T18:34:00.000+01:00

There it goes again...

Another sharp intake of breath by the entire population of New Zealand as speculation grows about the extent of St Richie of McCaw's foot injury, speculation not dampened by the appearance of Crusaders flanker Matt Todd at training.

Not that Todd is actually training with the All Blacks of course, as IRB regulations state that players not in the official 30-man World Cup squads cannot train with the team. He's merely been there to help provide opposition and promises that he hasn't been listening to any of the calls, honest-to-god, cross his heart and hopes to die.

After all, the All Blacks wouldn't cheat. Only England do that.

A fascinating fact for you...

2011-10-10T22:20:00.000+01:00

Since the inaugural World Cup in 1987 the defending champions have, apparently, always been beaten by the team that goes on to lift the Webb Ellis Cup.

So, Australia for the World Cup?

I’ve had a sneaky, nagging feeling about the Aussies for some time now, a feeling that refuses to go away following their heroic effort against the Springboks on Saturday.

So, what happens next?

2011-10-10T18:42:00.000+01:00

It appears that Martin Johnson’s future as England’s manager will be decided by the RFU Management Board based on the recommendation by Rob Andrew who, it appears, now has a new job as the RFU’s professional rugby director.

Firstly, I wouldn’t necessarily assume that Johnno will decide to put himself through the wringer again. I’m sure he’s no quitter, but after the events of the last 5-6 weeks I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he decided that enough was enough.

Secondly, the decision will made by the RFU Management Board, a body utterly discredited by the Blackett Report earlier this year and several of whom are under investigation relating to possible misconduct charges.

Farcical doesn’t even begin to describe it.

Twenty Four Hours Later

2011-10-09T12:35:00.002+01:00

And so to the inquest...

I’ve seen much written about England’s defeat to France yesterday, much of it very negative. The common sentiment is that England have had a dreadful World Cup, that the team is uninspired and one-dimensional and that this is mostly because it is made in the image of its head coach, Martin Johnson.

I'm afraid I don't buy that argument. England simply weren't as bad in this World Cup as everyone likes to make out - you only have to look at how Argentina troubled the All Blacks today to put England's performance against them in context, for instance. So England aren't as good as the All Blacks. Who knew?

No, the frustrating thing for me was not that England were poor but that they could and should have been so much better. The irony of ironies is that, for me, yesterday was actually England’s best performance of the Rugby World Cup. The ambition was there and in patches there was a good attacking shape and the odd flash of excellence. That these moments were few and far between and more often than not came to nothing owing to a lack of precision was England’s undoing. That and the fact that the personnel selected were incapable of delivering the gameplan.

With the gift of hindsight, the writing was on the wall back in the summer when Johnno restored Jonny to the starting line up at the expense of Toby Flood. Yes, the same Toby Flood who (the Ireland match aside) had deftly steered England to a 6 Nations Championship earlier this year. The thinking seemed to be that World Cups are different and are won by big packs and a metronomic goalkicker. Thus the progress made since the win in Sydney in June 2010 was jettisoned for a more prosaic approach, an approach that falls down immediately if your forwards are outplayed and your kicker ceases to be metronomic, as proved to be the case.

And that’s the sad thing for me. After struggling to find his feet as a coach, Johnson appeared to be getting things mostly right through last autumn and the 6 Nations. There was an issue with the balance of the backrow and a conundrum in midfield, but neither was unsurmountable. The discovery of Manu Tuilagi really should have solved the midfield problem and, although England lacked a true international standard fetcher, the emergence and progress of Tom Wood during the 6 Nations should have signalled the way ahead.

The great shame is that Johnson appeared not to trust the evidence of his own eyes and turned back to what was familiar, leading to some very muddled thinking and some very questionable decisions. Restoring Wilkinson to the 10 shirt, selecting an unfit Lewis Moody ahead of Tom Wood, picking Matt Stevens out of position when Andrew Sheridan was injured rather than trusting in Alex Corbisiero, thinking that Mike Tindall could ever be an international 12, not calling up Riki Flutey when the opportunity arose, adding Thomas Waldrom to the squad after Nick Easter had recovered from injury, recalling Easter at the expense of James Haskell, preferring Steve Thompson to the previous first choice Dylan Hartley, relying on the prosaic talents of Louis Deacon ahead of far more dynamic locks in the squad - when you add that lot up it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out why England's challenge came up short.

The real disappointment is that England were, for the majority of the last 12 months, on the right road. For some reason known only to the management team, however, they appeared to lose faith in the direction they were heading and turned off that particular road. The performances of the team were no way near as bad as made out by sections of the media – but it is true to say that the team did not come anywhere near to achieving its potential, and that is the saddest indictment of England’s World Cup campaign.

Merde Deux

2011-10-08T11:09:00.000+01:00

To France - bravo, félicitations, magnifique.

For England the inquest can wait.

This blog is now officially Welsh.

Merde

2011-10-07T23:46:00.000+01:00

So, will the French be 'les singes capitulards et mangeurs de fromage', or will they get off the bus?

I'm seriously worried...

Oh dear, oh dear, what IS he doing?

2011-10-06T21:49:00.001+01:00

Not to be outdone by alleged dirty deeds down under, are there no depths to which Danny Cipriani won't sink in order to grab the headlines?

Concerns

2011-10-06T19:01:00.002+01:00

Areas for concern regarding England team selected to play

France

on Saturday:

Toby Flood? Yes. At centre? No.

Matt Stevens? Yes. At loose-head? No.

Tom Palmer? Yes. Alongside Deacon? No.

James Haskell. Yes. On the bench? (After 51 tackles in 4 matches) No.

I'm afraid that this does nothing to settle a horrible feeling currently fermenting in the dark recesses of my bowel that the French are going to pull something special out of their chapeaux at the weekend.

Lies, damed lies and statistics...

2011-10-05T22:12:00.000+01:00

Anyway, back to the good old British press and their coverage of the World Cup.

England

have, it is widely reported, played boring and stodgy rugby. Wales, on the other hand, are now world beaters, second only to the All Blacks in their all round brilliance.

Just to show that facts should never get in the way of a good story, England’s record in this tournament so far is played 4 won 4, scoring 18 tries and conceding 1.

Ireland

have played 4 won 4, scoring 15 tries and conceding 3, while Wales have played 4 and won 3, scoring 23 tries and conceding 4.

Ah yes, exclaim the naysayers, but England’s pool was so much easier. Really? Wales have played teams ranked by the IRB (as at today) at 2, 11, 16 and 19. Ireland have played teams ranked 3, 12, 17 and 21, while

England

’s opponents are ranked 7, 10, 14 and 18. Not a huge difference then, especially when you take into account that Wales actually LOST to the number 2 ranked team.

This is not meant as a pop at Wales. They played well against South Africa, fought their way past Samoa and thrashed the lower two ranked teams in their group, much like England fought their way past Argentina and Scotland and thrashed Georgia and Romania.

What I don’t really get, then, is why England are being vilified by the press while Wales (and, to a lesser extent, Ireland) are being lauded. I’ve even seen some guff written about how Welsh brilliance is all down to improved fitness and a new running technique which apparently involves looking straight ahead, pumping your arms and flexing your ankles (as opposed to looking at your feet, waving your arms about like a maniac and trying to run straight-legged, which is obviously where I’ve been going wrong all these years).

All that’s required of the national rugby press is objective reporting and rational criticism. From what we’ve seen so far this World Cup, even when they can be arsed to comment on the rugby rather than on extraneous tittle-tattle, this is obviously too much to ask.

Eliota Fuimaono-Sapolu: Rugby’s Joey Barton

2011-10-05T18:33:00.000+01:00

So, Samoa and Gloucester centre and scatter-gun Tweeter, Eliota Fuimaono-Sapolu, has finally turned up before a World Cup disciplinary committee.

The suspended Samoan faces charges related to his outburst on Twitter after the Samoa v South Africa match in which he accused Welsh referee Nigel Owens of being a "biased, racist prick". This followed his earlier assertions on Twitter that the treatment of Samoa at the World Cup was comparable to the holocaust.

Although arguably the words used Fuimaono-Sapolu have been somewhat inappropriate, they do at least draw attention to the points he is trying to make. The scheduling of matches to the detriment of 2nd and 3rd tier nations is clearly an issue that needs addressing at the next World Cup and, while no one would accept for one minute that Nigel Owens might be racist, it was clearly lunacy for the IRB to put a Welsh referee in charge of a crucial game the result of which would directly affect the Welsh team’s prospects.

As Fuimaono-Sapolu so eloquently puts it:

"Whether it's a perceived bias or an actual bias … You don't have to be a rocket scientist to work it out but you do have to be an idiot not to."

Fuimaono-Sapolu's one-man campaign to get the IRB "to stop treating the tier-two teams like crap” will resume on 15th October, the date to which the disciplinary hearing has been adjourned. Book early to avoid disappointment.

Quarters questions

2011-10-04T19:30:00.007+01:00

So, now it begins. The “real” Rugby World Cup. Forget how well or how badly our respective teams have played to date. The fact is that for those teams who have arrived at the quarter finals, anything is now possible.

A few questions ahead of the weekend:

- Does this Welsh team have the bottle to dog it out in a tight game against the Irish?

- It may be a well-worn cliché, but which French team will turn up to play England?

- Can the Aussie forwards win enough ball for their backs to have a go at South Africa?

- How will the All Blacks cope with a fired up Argentina and a nation in mourning?

Numbers...

2011-10-03T22:46:00.000+01:00

There have been 20 teams at the World Cup. For the last few weeks there have therefore been 600 rugby players (plus those called up as replacements) representing their respective countries at this year’s jamboree in New Zealand.

Of those 600+ players, are we to take it that only English players have stepped out of line off the pitch?

For that is what the esteemed members of the British press corps would have us believe.

That is not to condone or excuse some of the alleged behaviour of certain players, only to treat it with a little perspective.

That the NZ press haven’t even felt the need to give the England team a hard time says everything about the voracious determination of our own press corps to make mountains out of molehills.

Don't Panic

2011-10-01T16:28:00.001+01:00

There... Just there... Did you hear it? A sort of "Whooooosh" noise?

The unmistakable sound of a sharp intake of breath by every New Zealander at the news that Dan Carter's groin injury could put his entire World Cup in jeopardy?

No? Just listen.

Blessing in disguise?

2011-10-01T15:36:00.002+01:00

Question: Although the severity of today's injury to Jonny Wilkinson will not be known until Sunday, could it turn out to be a blessing in disguise?

Having gone with Toby Flood as first choice at 10 for 12 months, the decision to restore of King Jonny to the throne pre-World Cup was always an odd one for me.

Presumably the idea was that Jonny's boot would see us through but, as I've previously hinted, if he's not doing the business with his goal kicking then what's the point of him exactly?

Yes I know he tackles and hits rucks and works his socks off for the team, but it is evident that he's simply not in the same league as Flood when it comes to getting his backline firing. Ask yourself this - if Jonny had not been replaced by Flood today, would England have scored their try?

An injury to Jonny therefore lets Johnno off the hook in terms of making a difficult decision. Flood should start against the Basket Case XV next weekend.

That said, if Jonny is crocked there's precious little cover at 10. Next in line to be flown out to NZ is Charlie Hodgson - lord save us all.

Balls

2011-09-30T17:39:00.000+01:00

I see the good old press corps are wringing every last drop of sanctimonious condemnation out of the latest ‘misfortune’ to befall the English rugby team, namely the failed attempt to switch balls for a conversion attempt against Romania last week.

On a scale of 1-10 it’s a misdemeanour that barely registers a 0.5 but, nevertheless, accusations of “blatant cheating” have rained down on England’s management, alongside calls for England to be fined/ docked points/ sent home/ all of the above.

All of which conveniently ignores the fact that England have dealt with the matter in-house to the satisfaction of the RWC organisers. In any event, aren’t we forgetting that

England

didn’t actually manage to switch the balls as the referee prevented them from doing so (i.e. he was doing his job) and who is to say whether other teams have been doing the same? The fact that no one else has been caught doesn’t mean it hasn’t been happening.

What

England

are actually guilty of is of being more than a little dim. Given how the press have seized with undisguised glee on the likes of Bungee-gate, Dwarf-gate and Blonde-gate, and given that referees are clearly watching England like hawks for signs of indiscipline on the pitch, might it not have been sensible for England’s coaches to play things by the book?

What this incident has done is to throw a few more morsels into the press pack feeding frenzy. I do wonder what the reaction would have been had it been, say, New Zealand involved? Would the press have had quite such a field day?

Of course not. It is becoming increasingly obvious to England rugby fans that the press, and the English press in particular, have a barely disguised agenda. England are not blameless, clearly, but I wish the press would just wind in their collective necks and let the team get on with it, instead of seeking every opportunity to undermine the campaign. It's as if they are so desperate to be able to turn round and tell the world "I told you so" that they'll almost do anything to ensure that England failing at this tournament becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If I was in charge (oh, if only!) there would certainly now be a list of hacks I wouldn't allow anywhere near the England camp.

Here endeth the lesson. Ready for squeaky bum time against the Sweaties tomorrow.

PS - Incidentally, I agree with the consensus that the £5000 fine imposed on Alesana Tuilagi for wearing a branded mouthguard is ridiculously draconian, although comparing the sanction to England’s Ball-gate punishment, as many wise-arse commentators have attempted to do, isn’t particularly helpful. Had an England player been let off for a similar offence, or had Samoa been docked points for switching balls, then fair enough - but to use Tuilagi's misfortune as fodder for the argument that England are being let off lightly is yet another example of very lazy journalism.

Here endeth the lesson again. Really.

Inside the mind of James Haskell

2011-09-29T18:00:00.000+01:00

I stumbled across this today : The Gun Show: Inside the mind of James Haskell.

Two words: Comedy Gold.

Sir, my cap is duly doffed.

Permutations be damned

2011-09-29T07:40:00.001+01:00

There are websites out there on t’interweb which set out the various permutations governing which 2 of England, Scotland and Argentina will progress to the Rugby World Cup quarter finals.

This blog is not one of them.

Forget 8-point differentials, number of tries scored and losing bonus points, if England cannot beat Scotland on Saturday I’ll expect the resignations of Martin Johnson and his coaching staff on my desk first thing on Sunday morning.

47

2011-09-28T18:30:00.006+01:00

For all the advances in modern medicine there’s still no known cure for the common birthday.

47 today, going on 19.

Such an auspicious occasion demands a blog post of insight and clarity. Unfortunately you’ll have to make do with this…

The media seem to be getting their collective knickers in a twist about this week’s comments by NZRU chief Steve Tew that the prospects of the All Blacks going to England for the 2015 Rugby World Cup are very slim under the current financial model . Apparently the NZRU lose "millions" in World Cup years owing to the tournament's strict sponsorship restrictions and loss of revenue from incoming tours.

My heart bleeds. If the likes of Namibia or Romania can find enough pennies down the back of the sofa, I dare say New Zealand can manage. Of course I haven’t seen the books, but I’m guessing that during the three years in between World Cups the NZRU’s peddling of the All Black brand around the world is fairly lucrative. That they can’t adequately manage their finances every fourth year (like everyone else has to) is their problem, no one else’s. It’s called budgeting.

It’d be interesting to see what would happen were the IRB to call their bluff.

Weekend observations

2011-09-26T18:37:00.000+01:00

England are improving. Only 13 penalties conceded against the mighty Romania. That’s one fewer than against the mighty Georgia, an improvement in anyone’s book.
The All Blacks are in cruise control. Still no clue as to how they will react when (if) put under pressure.
Richie McCaw. Congratulations. 100 caps and still, for me, the best 7 in world rugby. On-field presentation/speech etc, however, not a good idea.
Scotland. Oh dear. Defeat from the jaws of victory. England can expect the kitchen sink on Saturday.
Barring slip ups against Italy and Fiji respectively it’s looking like an Ireland v Wales quarter-final. Which, in turn, means one of Ireland or Wales in the semi-final of the World Cup. Strange days indeed.

Pants

2011-09-25T10:00:00.000+01:00

A Wellington lingerie shop has been asked to change a sign which advertises "All Black lingerie 20 % off" because the NZRU says the use of the words "All Black" breaches its trademark.

The NZRU say, without a hint of a smirk, that customers could be lead to believe the shop is selling official All Blacks branded products.

You really couldn't make this stuff up.

Quote of the Century

2011-09-24T08:00:00.001+01:00

All Black centre Conrad Smith, claiming that the All Blacks passion for rugby is equal to that of the French, only in a more understated way…

"We can be passionate about something but we don't create a song and dance.”

Errr...apart from the Haka, maybe?

Sour Grapes

2011-09-23T23:59:00.002+01:00

Apparently Australia did not lose to Ireland last weekend by being out-scrummaged, out-tackled, out-rucked, out-mauled and out-played. No, according to Tim Horan (aka Total Flanker Dunderhead of the Week) the Aussies lost because Ireland’s players deliberately feigned injury against Australia to slow down play.

Jesus is an All Black

2011-09-23T17:00:00.000+01:00

It seems that New Zealand is leaving nothing to chance in its attempts to win the Rugby World Cup.

St Paul's Anglican Cathedral in Wellington has been exhibiting a painting depicting a haloed Jesus wearing an All Blacks jersey as he dispenses blessings while clutching a white rugby ball.

"Central to Christian belief is that God became a human being in this world. Our belief is that he happened to do that 2,000 years ago in Palestine… if it were to happen today, why should he not be an All Black?" says the Very Reverend Frank Nelson.

And this blog can exclusively reveal that, according to the the Right Reverend Graham Henry, if Jesus were indeed an All Black, he would be named on the bench as cover for Dan Carter.

Blackballed

2011-09-22T20:30:00.000+01:00

Although named in England's starting line up to face Romania on Saturday, Ben Foden has been sitting out training this week, afflicted with a sore side and a bruised testicle.

Fortunate, then, that girlfriend Una Healy announced last week that she ~~was up the duff~~ and Foden were expecting their first baby together. Equally fortunate, for fans of popular singing combo The Saturdays (of whom Ms Healy is a member), is that their forthcoming tour will not be affected by the pregnancy. Thank heavens for that.

Genius?

2011-09-21T17:45:00.001+01:00

Did Marc Le Fou have his Eureka moment in the bath this week?

Or is it simply the case that the injury to David Skrela, the ineptitude of François Trinh-Duc and the coach's preference to lose to the All Blacks on Saturday have conspired to produce the selection of Morgan Parra at fly half?

"Farce!" screams the NZ Herald, but of the French 22, apparently 14 have previously beaten the All Blacks (with 6 having beaten them twice). The French team may well be a collective basket case, but Parra's selection at 10 is so gloriously bonkers it could prove to be inspired.

Meanwhile, back to "reality"...

2011-09-20T23:00:00.001+01:00

While channel hopping on Friday evening, I stumbled across Channel 5’s The Bachelor (honestly, it wasn’t intended – but once I’d landed there it was only fair to give it a chance).

For the uninitiated, The Bachelor is a programme in which a bunch of women are prepared to endure ritual humiliation at the hands of our favourite tangerine, the artist formerly known as Gavin Church, as each one attempts to ~~launch a new career as a D-list celebrity~~ win his heart.

I’d obviously missed a few episodes as the initial group of 25 had already been whittled down to 12 and Gavin lost no time in jettisoning another in Friday’s episode.

“It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do,” mumbled Gavin, as usual looking and sounding as if he’d been heavily sedated. His ex-wife must be delighted.

“I opened my heart but I have no idea what he is thinking” sobbed the unfortunate young lady.

Thinking? I guess there’s a first time for everything...

Random World Cup Observations and a couple of milestones...

2011-09-19T18:42:00.002+01:00

England are not happy. “Sloppy” fumes Johnno. “Not acceptable” moans Haskell. An air of doom and gloom now pervades the English campaign. Jeez fellas – just chillax. Six tries, bonus point secured, job done. Have a beer or two, chuck a few dwarves about and move on to the next match.

Meanwhile Samoan centre Eliota Fuimaono-Sapolu has accused the IRB of unfairness in their scheduling of matches and in particular the 3 day turnaround Samoa had before facing Wales. While his claims of Samoa’s treatment being “like slavery, like the holocaust, like apartheid” were crass and inappropriate, the principle behind the argument is sound enough. If, in order to have a 20 team tournament, it is necessary that some teams have to play twice in a week, then surely it is the better resourced Tier 1 countries who should bear the brunt?

Not to be outdone in the controversy stakes, the All Blacks are obviously so insecure that, in the absence of any scandal, they have felt compelled to invent one. Poor Zac Guildford has therefore donned the sackcloth and been paraded in front of the media by New Zealand’s management . His offence? He had a couple of drinks too many in the privacy of the team hotel after New Zealand's Tri-Nations defeat by Australia in Brisbane last month. Seriously.

And finally, I can’t let this moment pass without mention of the fact that this is my 1000th post on this blog. Yes, I’ve managed to find very little of interest to say 1000 times! Nevertheless, this weekend also saw the blog receive its 200,000th visitor. So I may well be blogging a load of old bollocks, but quite a few of you still seem to be reading it! J

Irish eyes are smiling...

2011-09-17T12:11:00.000+01:00

... and the cat is most definitely amongst the pigeons!

Ireland 15 Australia 6 could be a hugely significant result in the overall context of the tournament. France will now be desperate to lose to New Zealand in their group match to ensure they stay in the Northern Hemisphere half of the draw, while South Africa will be kicking themselves for their comeback against the Welsh!

Altogether now - Alive, alive oh-oh!

Shameful

2011-09-16T17:41:00.001+01:00

And, no, I’m not talking about the conduct of England’s rugby players.

What really pisses me off is the way the British press have fallen over themselves to condemn England’s players and management following the so-called “wild” night at Queenstown’s Altitude Bar on Saturday night.

It’s been no surprise to see the ever-tolerant tabloids leap aboard the bandwagon – and The Sun, The Mirror, The Daily Express and that most hateful of rags, The Daily Mail, have not disappointed. After all, groundless sensationalism is hardly an unexpected phenomenon amongst the gutter press.

What is astonishing, though, is how supposedly responsible and “serious” rugby journalists, who really should know better, have seen fit to join the feeding frenzy and write holier-than-thou judgemental drivel about how the England rugby team should or should not behave, such opinions clearly being based on no more than the crap from the very tabloids that these hacks are supposed to rise above.

The following correspondents in particular should hang their heads in shame:

MICK CLEARY – Telegraph

ROBERT KITSON – Guardian

JAMES LAWTON – Independent

I don’t pay for a subscription to The Times so have no idea what stance its’ journos have taken, but take one look at the comments section under the lazy and ill-informed bile written by any of the above hacks to see what the real rugby fan thinks of such sanctimonious bullshit.

Bottom line: It was a night out, a few drinks were taken and a few photos posed for. Other teams have done the same (albeit without dwarves) to no press reaction whatsoever.

And the fact that reports are beginning to emerge that the blonde woman, supposedly “groped” by Mike Tindall, may actually have just been an old friend of Tindall and his wife, only serves to highlight just how low the British press is willing to stoop.

Rant over.

EXCLUSIVE: Rugby Players Enjoy Post-Match Beer

2011-09-15T18:17:00.001+01:00

Or, as The Sun chose to report today:

No doubt we're all suitably scandalised.

DAN COLE, LEE MEARS, STEVE THOMPSON, UN-NAMED DWARF

"They were great lads, not throwing the midgets, it was all light-hearted good-humoured fun" said the not-very-politically-correct manager of the bar in question.

In other words - move along now, nothing to see here.

Best story of the RWC so far…

2011-09-14T19:46:00.000+01:00

Michael and Sunette Adendorff, a South African couple in New Zealand to watch South Africa play in the Rugby World Cup, thought something was amiss as they drove around Eastbourne, Wellington, searching for the Majestic Hotel on Royal Parade.

Having stopped at a local chemist's shop to ask directions they were bemused to find that Eastbourne did not actually have a hotel and, on checking the booking details, they discovered that the Majestic Hotel was, in fact, 12,000 miles away in Eastbourne, England.

"I booked into the right hotel, just in the wrong country," said Mr Adendorff.

An early contender for Dunderhead of the Week (or is that "Boofhead" of the week?).

Boofhead

2011-09-14T19:07:00.000+01:00

It's official. Quade Cooper is a Boofhead. Whatever that may be.

According to the Australian ambassador to the world of rugby, Sir Nicholas Farr-Jones, Cooper is a "dope" for his baiting of New Zealand's Saint Richard of McCaw.

"Respect in sport is critical for success, and carrying on like a boofhead exhibits no respect. And it also shows arrogance, which has no place in the game," says Sir Nicholas.

Hear, hear.

Mind you, I still have no idea what a "boofhead" might be.

Question?

2011-09-14T18:45:00.000+01:00

How can Andrew "Big Ted" Sheridan - 19 stone plus, 6 foot 4, man-mountain, able to bench press 225kg and squat lift 275 kg - be quite so fragile?

Merci, Patron

2011-09-13T18:38:00.000+01:00

It very much looks like the French team may have to play this Rugby World Cup without much support from coach Marc Le Fou.

Lièvremont labelled his team's overall effort against Japan as being "polluted with approximations, technical errors, indiscipline", adding "a dozen penalties against us and so many mistakes made on moves that were relatively easy."

He also singled out Imanol Harinordoquy, as being "very lackadaisical" while half backs Dimitri Yachvili and Francois Trinh-Duc were merely "lacklustre."

The solution?

"They’re the ones playing, they are out on the pitch, it’s up to them to sort out the problems."

Cheers, coach.

Lawes: 2 week ban

2011-09-13T13:00:00.000+01:00

"IS IT COS I IS ENGLISH?"

Hooked

2011-09-12T23:16:00.000+01:00

There are some that say that English ref Wayne Barnes cost Wales a famous win over the Springboks on Sunday, by failing to refer James Hook's 14th minute penalty miss to the TMO.

Delusional nonsense of course.

I've watched the TV replay several times now and the only conclusion I can reach is that it's inconclusive. The ball does appear to swing inwards at the last moment but there's no way of telling exactly when or exactly where. The people with the best view, unsurprisingly, were the 2 touch judges.

Notwithstanding the fact that the kick was in the 14th minute (had it gone over, Wales would still have been behind with 66 minutes remaining), the controversy also hides the fact that it was a relatively simple kick. Hook should really have banged it straight through the middle. He didn't do so. He botched it, along with another reasonably straightforward kick at the end of the match that would have sealed victory.

Harsh but fair.

Dunderhead(s) of the Week

2011-09-12T20:34:00.004+01:00

Time to revive the long lost and mostly forgotten DUNDERHEAD OF THE WEEK award (last seen in the possession of former Scotland coach Matt Williams in November 2007).

With the first weekend's action over, the award goes to the entire ITV commentary team, every last one of them. Whether it was Steve Ryder desperately trying to remember how to be a sports presenter, or Craig Doyle taking time off from his double glazing adverts, or Girvan Dempsey looking like a bemused auditor, or Phil Vickery's West Country monotone, or Dallaglio and Pienaar utterly failing to get to grips with a hi-tec touch screen that patently did not work, or the cliché-ridden commentaries - if I didn't know better I would assume that this was some kind of fiendishly clever self-parody.

ITV's problem (also shared by Channel 4 when covering the World Athletics Championship) is that, other than football, they really have no experience or pedigree in presenting a sports programme - as the channel ably demonstrates every 4 years at the Rugby World Cup.

So, congratulations ITV - the first DUNDERHEAD OF THE WEEK award this RWC is all yours.

On the bright side, at least Jim Rosenthal is no longer presenting.

James *@#&ing Haskell

2011-09-12T19:58:00.001+01:00

Flippin'eck

It seems that Le Hask's “torrent of vile abuse” aimed at Martin Scelzo towards the end of the England v Argentina match, captured by the referee’s microphone, has caused a bit of a stir.

ITV were quick to apologise but if TV companies are going to broadcast the feed from pitchside mikes then they have to expect to capture a certain amount of industrial language, especially given that Haskell had just been struggling to remove Scelzo’s thumb from his eye socket.

Or perhaps they should just dub in a more palatable translation: “I say old chap, jolly bad show you bounder.”

A tale of two teams...

2011-09-11T22:21:00.000+01:00

Two teams...

One team plays poorly but somehow manages to scrape a win against the team that finished third at the 2007 World Cup. This team is castigated by all and sundry.

The other team plays well but, despite several chances, manages to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory against the reigning world champions. This team is lauded by all all and sundry.

I wonder which team is happier?

And another thing...

2011-09-10T13:37:00.000+01:00

If the RFU are going to spend zillions commissioing Nike to manufacture state of the art rugby kit, is it too much to insist that the numbers do not start to peel off the shirts at the first sign of the players breaking sweat?

The Heart of Rugby

2011-09-10T13:23:00.000+01:00

Apparently there’s a bit of a shindig going on in New Zealand at the moment. How do I know this? Well, largely due to the fact that I’m being contacted on a daily basis by all manner of companies (who usually ignore me all year round) asking me to promote their wares on my humble little blog.

I do wonder why they bother. A cursory bit of research (one glance at the blog) would have revealed that TF does not carry advertising – not necessarily out of principle but because I know from experience that there is very little money to be made from advertising or affiliate deals unless your audience is humongous.

So, unless anyone would like to offer me unfeasibly stupid amounts of cash I remain, through circumstance, strictly amateur.

That said, every now and then an email drops into my inbox that does spark my interest and one such email arrived last week from the publishers of a book entitled UNION: The Heart of Rugby, offering me a copy of the book to review.

UNION, it must be said, is right up my street – a coffee table book conceived as a celebration of the heart and soul of rugby and launched to coincide with the Rugby World Cup in New Zealand. It features more than 150 memorable photographs taken by award-winning photographers alongside text by award-winning author Paul Thomas based on interviews with five legends of the game: John Kirwan, Nick Farr-Jones, Philippe Sella, Joel Stransky and Martin Johnson.

Many of the photographs are instantly recognisable – the ubiquitous Fran Cotton Mud Monster, for instance, but the book also features many pictures that I had not previously seen and it is these more obscure (and mostly black and white) photos that are of particular fascination to a self-confessed rugby geek like tours truly.

UNION is also liberally sprinkled with quotations – from the above 5 legends as well as from other rugby (and some non-rugby) personalities, my two favourites being:

“Playing rugby at school I once fell on a loose ball and, through ignorance and fear, held on despite a fierce pummelling. After that it took me months to convince my team-mates I was a coward.” - Peter Cook

and

“Rugby is a game for big buggers. If you're not a big bugger, you get hurt. I wasn't a big bugger but I was a fast bugger and therefore I avoided the big buggers.” – Spike Milligan.

Bottom line is that UNION is absolutely my cup of tea (or indeed coffee) and, having looked through it a couple of times now, I suspect it is a book that I will go back to time and time again.

It is available from all good bookshops (and no doubt one or two rubbish ones too).