I describe this blog as "...a sideways look at the world of rugby by an over-the-hill former ex-rugby player..."
In homage to the Eurovision Song Contest which takes place this weekend and in an otherwise entirely pointless exercise, I therefore set out to find out how this might translate into other European languages (at least according to a combination of the Google and Babel Fish translation services):
So, in French it comes out as "...le côté un regard sur le monde du rugby par un au-delà de l'ancienne colline ex-joueur de rugby..."
While in Italian it's "...un lato guardare il mondo di rugby da un sopra-la-collina ex-ex-giocatore di rugby..."
And in Spanish we have "...un lado mirada al mundo de rugby por un exceso de la colina de ex-ex-jugador de rugby..."
Moving into Northern Europe, in German it's "...eine Seitwärtsbewegung Blick auf die Welt der Rugby durch eine über-dem-hügel ehemaligen Ex-Rugby-Spieler..."
While in Dutch it's "...zijdelingse blik op de wereld van rugby door een over-heuvel voormalige ex-rugby speler..."
And now for something entirely incomprehensible - in Russian we have "...боком взглянуть на мир по регби-за холма-бывший экс-игрок регби..."
And in Greek it comes out as "...το πλευρό κοιτάξουμε τον κόσμο του ράγκμπι από πέρα από τον λόφο πρώην πρώην παίκτης ράγκμπι..."
Although it's fair to say that it's all Greek to me.
Friday, 23 May 2008
Lost in translation
Wednesday, 21 May 2008
Will they never learn?
Think December 2003 - the England rugby team's open-top bus ride through London to celebrate winning the 2003 RWC in Australia. Full of its own self-importance, awash with MBEs, entertained at Buckingham Palace and fêted at Downing Street, the England rugby team has never fully recovered.
Think September 2005 - the England cricket team's team open-top bus ride through London to celebrate winning the 2005 Ashes series (at home, no less). Full of its own self-importance, awash with MBEs and fêted at Downing Street the England cricket team has never fully recovered.
Think May 2005 - the Welsh Rugby team were joined by 20,000 fans, the Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornwall in the Millennium Stadium to celebrate winning the 2005 Six Nations Grand Slam. Full of its self
-importance, the Welsh rugby team then endured 2 highly mediocre Six Nations campaigns in 2006 and 2007 before being dumped out of the 2007 Rugby World Cup by Fiji, failing even to make the quarter finals.
Think 26th May 2008 - and the Welsh Rugby Union's announcement that a free music party is being thrown at the Millennium Stadium for fans to celebrate the 2008 Grand Slam. The party will include The "As long as we beat the English" Stereophonics, X-Factor failure Rhydian Roberts, Shaun Edwards' ex-girlfriend Heather Small and rent-a-Welsh-voice Katherine Jenkins. Expect, at the very least, a sobering hammering at the hands of South Africa to follow next month.
Think Ireland, wondering whether it might have been a good idea to celebrate their 2006 and 2007 Triple Crowns after all.
And think Scotland, wondering whether they'll ever have anything to celebrate again.
Midas Touch
Victory! I must admit that I've been wanting to use that headline for a little while now but was beginning to think I might not have the opportunity. But last night changed all that as (and it shocks me to say it) our touch team played...erm...really rather well.
Tuesday, 20 May 2008
Ickle Shane the movie star
Back in November I mentioned that plans were afoot for Catherine Zeta-Jones to produce a movie about a Welsh village rugby team in which the intention was for the perma-tanned Gavin Henson to play himself in a cameo role.
Not only is there no news on any progress in getting this movie made (thank heavens - it sounds utter rubbish) but it looks as if Henson has been beaten onto the silver screen by his Ospreys/Wales (same thing these days) team mate Ickle Shane Williams who plays himself (who else?) in "Hope Eternal", the latest film by Welsh director Karl Francis which premieres at the Hay Festival this week (hardly Cannes, but you've got to start somewhere).
The plot - for what it's worth - revolves around a Welsh doctor who introduces the joys of Welsh rugby to a Madagascan AIDS worker and her daughter (seriously) who then travel to Wales in a bid to meet Ickle Shane.
The case for the Defence
A very big hand for Canada's Defence Minister Peter MacKay who played 40 minutes in his Rugby Canada Super League debut yesterday for the Nova Scotia Keltics.
Monday, 19 May 2008
Urrghhh!
The sickening image of Danny Cipriani in agony yesterday as he clutched the shin from which, as the picture shows, his foot looked as if it had become detached, is something that I'm finding hard to shake off today.
I still can't look at the picture without feeling a tad queasy but, nevertheless, I've been drawn back to it several times already today as if it has some kind of control over me.
I realise that I probably shouldn't show the picture, that it's in poor taste to indulge oneself (no matter how uneasily) in another's agony - but I have to admit to a sort of sick fascination with injuries such as this. Maybe it's the thought that something like this could so easily happen to any one of us who play the game - "there but for the grace of god" etc etc - or perhaps, like the public at large, it really does just come down to a morbid curiosity. You only have to look at the newspaper coverage of incidents like this and similar injuries in the world of football (Alan Smith for Man Utd a couple of years ago and Eduardo for Arsenal this season both spring to mind) to see that there is a public appetite for this kind of thing and I'm sad to say that I am not immune to it.
Fortunately (touching wood several times) I have neither experienced nor witnessed an injury quite so horrific on the rugby field. I'm not sure how I'd react if I did.
With news that Cipriani will be out of action for at least six months, all I can say is that I wish him a full recovery and I look forward to witnessing further displays of his genius again on a rugby field in the not too distant future.
Friday, 16 May 2008
You know you're ready for Veterans Rugby when...
Your conversations with the guys at the rugby club mostly start with "...in my day...";
More than half your team are more than half your age;
You can remember being penalised for lifting in the lineouts;
You can remember when a try was worth 4 points;
Your team mates congratulate you when you make it through the warm up;
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work;
It takes longer to recover than it did to get tired;
You spend more on strapping in a season than you do on beer;
You find yourself popping ibruprofen pills before kick off;
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up;
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember reaching the top.
Thursday, 15 May 2008
Bean counter to blame
Theobald Grimm, an accountant at the RFU, today admitted that he was to blame for the current pay dispute between his employer and the England rugby team.
England players are currently paid £9,000 per game regardless of the result and are reportedly unhappy with RFU proposals to make pay more dependent on win bonuses and how the England team perform in the Six Nations and World Cup.
However, Grimm - who has worked at the RFU since qualifying as an accountant in 1898 - today confessed that it had been his idea in 2003 to get rid of win bonuses and pay the England players an upfront fee.
"Five years ago England were beating everyone they played," he said. "It occurred to me that we could save a few shillings by not paying win bonuses and by giving the players a lump sum instead. I took the idea to Francis Baron who nearly bit my hand off - he was delighted with the idea and soon claimed it as his own.
"Unfortunately the England team has been more or less rubbish ever since which has meant that we've effectively overpaid the players - we'd certainly have saved more if they'd been on a performance related package," he continued. "And sadly for me Mr. Baron now says that it wasn't his idea at all and the blame has been squarely laid at my door."
Rugby - for Aliens
Imagine an alien landing on this planet and the first person he bumps into is a rugby player who decides to introduce his new extra-terrestrial friend to the sport of rugby.
Wednesday, 14 May 2008
Losing Touch
I was really looking forward to touch rugby yesterday. After such a good workout last Tuesday I was champing at the bit to start the "season" and get stuck in. For various reasons, however, it was a most unsatisfactory evening.
Tuesday, 13 May 2008
Johnno gets it right (mostly)
Martin Johnson endeared himself to the vast majority of England rugby supporters this morning when he left Iain Ballsup out of the England squad to tour New Zealand next month. For good measure he also decided to exclude the other form-blind Ashton-pick, Lesley Vainikolo, another move which will go down well with most England fans.
England Attack Coach vacancy
(from the RFU website)
ENGLAND ATTACK COACH
Remuneration package to attract the best candidates (except you, Brian).
Reporting to the England Team Manager, Martin Johnson, this is a fantastic opportunity to work with (and be stabbed in the back by) senior England players and coaches. The England Attack Coach is responsible for providing specialist Attack coaching for players in the England senior team squad - coaching which the players are more than likely to ignore when push comes to shove. This coaching role will cover all aspects of attack play, even the scoring of tries - heaven forbid.
You will provide coaching both at England training sessions and with individual players at club locations where you will be regarded with hostile suspicion. It is an important aspect of the role that the Coach engages in coaching sessions at Premiership clubs in conjunction with, and to the irritation of, the Clubs’ Directors of Rugby.
Other key responsibilities include:
- Working with the England Team Manager and the Elite Rugby Director in developing and implementing the annual team playing and selection bun fight for the England senior team.
- In conjunction with the England Team Manager plan, implement and review specialist attack skills and strategies for the England team, passing and catching being the no.1 priority.
- Liaise with the England Team Manager and the Elite Rugby Director to ensure all England players within the EPS squad have a single co-ordinated programme, to include a list of dates when visiting a Soho nightclub will be permitted.
- Work closely with the Guinness Premiership club coaches, whether they like it or not, and provide coaching support and a shoulder to cry on to agreed England players within their club environment.
- To succeed in this high profile role, candidates will need to demonstrate:
- A background of high-level achievement in a senior coaching role at either National or Regional level or within a high performing, senior professional Club within the sport. Coaching a team who finished second at the Rugby World Cup, however, just won't cut it.
- A good appreciation of the structure and the issues of the game within England and the challenges it faces within and across the global platform. If you've been watching the Super 14 on the telly that might help.
- An influential personality who is highly self-motivated and has skin as thick as a rhino's; an instigator and driver of progress with a genuine enthusiasm and commitment to the task in the face of open hostility from, in particular, the England forwards coach.
- (unlike your employers at the RFU) a high level of integrity and credibility within the game, with an ability to develop effective working relationships, both internally and externally.
This is a national role which will be based at Twickenham and from home, and involve irregular hours, extensive travelling and no thanks whatsoever. An excellent employment package is offered including company car; pension scheme; life assurance, family health benefits, psychiatric therapy and a whacking great severance package when we scapegoat you when results don't go our way.
To apply, please send your CV and covering letter, quoting your current remuneration package, to the Head of Human Resources, Rugby Football Union, Rugby House, Twickenham, TW1 1DS or email recruitment@therfu.com.
Err, not you, Brian.
Monday, 12 May 2008
The Total Flanker Guide to playing: Hooker
"You don't have to be mad to work here...BUT IT HELPS!!
...So the old not-very-funny saying goes and I was thinking that perhaps a similar cliche might apply to playing the position of hooker on a rugby field. No, on second thoughts scratch that idea - because, quite frankly, it's obvious that you DO have to be barking mad to choose to play hooker.
Let's face it - who in their right mind would choose to be slap bang in the middle of two sets of heavy men intent on driving each others' spines out of their arses, with no protection other than the two fat blokes either side of you, behind whose backs your hands are trapped, and with no weapons other than your head, your mouth and your stubble? Only a madman with a ridiculously high pain threshold and a psychotic personality, that's who.
• psychopathic tendencies and/or unlimited aggression;
• the ability to throw a punch in a scrum with both arms trapped behind your back ;
• unerring accuracy when throwing in at lineout (a background in professional darts helps);
• a ready-made list of excuses for when throwing-in goes awry which includes doubts about the parentage of all jumpers and lifters; and
• the words to every rugby song known to man imprinted on your memory.
Hope that helps :)
227 Shopping Days to Christmas...
You'd better get out a pen and paper and start writing your letter to Father Christmas right now because the must-have Christmas present this year is unlikely to be a Telly-tubby, a Buzz Lightyear or a Nintendo Wii (or another technological gizmo). No, the item that absolutely everyone in the civilised world will covet will undoubtedly be the forthcoming autobiography from Irish fly half Ronan O'Gara.
Yes, I'm referring to the breaking news that O'Gara has signed a deal reportedly worth "a healthy six-figure sum" to write his autobiography - or to be more accurate, to tell his ghost writer Denis Walsh what to write.
The book is expected to deal with a number of controversial topics including:
- how Duncan McRae was unfairly treated after O'Gara had attacked the NSW's fly half's fist several times with his face on the 2001 Lions tour;
- how all English Premiership players are "shoite";
- how O'Gara rose above allegations of gambling addiction and marital problems in the French press during the World Cup to deliver world class performances for his country;
- how all Leinster players are "gobshoites"; and
- how O'Gara won a bet with his long-term half back partner Peter Stringer, worth "a healthy six-figure sum," that he could persuade some eejit to publish his autobiography.
The autobiography is due to be published in October 2008 and will be available from all good bookshops and quite a few rubbish ones as well. It is understood that all royalties from the book will be paid directly to a Mr P.Power Esq. of Dublin.
Friday, 9 May 2008
Free(ish) advertising
Being an incredibly influential rugby writer these days [!?;)], it came as absolutely no surprise to me to receive an email this week from someone called Haran Ramachandran of the rather splendidly named Splendid Communications.
What Haran was after was some free publicity for his client, Guinness, who are obviously short of a bob or two and apparently can't afford to pay me the going rate of a lifetime's supply of their very fine beverage.
In normal circumstances I would snort with derision and send Haran to the back of the lengthy queue of blue-chip companies who are hammering on my door with their lucrative advertising offers. In this case, however, I may be willing to make an exception as Guinness have actually come up with a half decent idea that may be of interest to my 2 regular readers.
The project is called Club Together, and what it does is offer members of non-professional rugby clubs in England, Scotland and Wales the chance to play at Twickenham on 31st May as part of this year’s Premiership final. All you need to do is explain to a Guinness "expert panel" - in no more than 100 words - how your rugby club has increased the number of adult participants at your club during season 2007/08. Of course, if your club had failed to increase its membership, then you've no chance of winning - but if your club has increased its membership and you're eloquent enough to explain exactly how, then you could win the chance to select two teams made up of members of your club to receive a training session from a Premiership Director of Rugby before the final, plus tickets to the final, team kit and a commemorative photo - if, that is, you can round up the 30 members of your club who haven't already buggered off on holiday.
To apply to you'll need to go to the Club Together website.
Haran, mate, I'll email you my address for the Guinness delivery - if I'm not in please just leave it behind the side gate ;).
1st Anniversary
Happy Anniversary one and all - yes, today it's exactly one year since I started this blog and I must say the year has flown by incredibly quickly.
How times have changed.
Not only is it a year ago that I started posting, this also happens to be, quite neatly, my 150th post of 2008 and my 365th post overall - which means that somehow I've managed to find the time to come up with some rubbish or other, on average, once a day (if you ignore the slightly inconvenient fact that it's a leap year this year).
Wednesday, 7 May 2008
Action stations...
Against the ELVs? Worried that they'll ruin the game you love? Don't know what you can do about it?
Here are a few ideas that have sprung up recently as the reality of the situation begins to sink in...
- Take the RFU survey
- Sign a petition calling for the ELVs to be rejected
- Join a Faceboook group to protest against the ELVs' implementation
- Go on strike!
Personally I like the idea of a protest rally and a march to the HQ of the IRB in Dublin, preferably on a route that takes in a few of the city's excellent hostelries.
Take Care
I like the look of Danny Care - not only has the 21-year-old scrum-half been in blistering form for Harlequins, he also appears to have an ideal temperament for his position, as his interview published in the Sunday Times revealed. For instance, in the recent Quins v Newcastle match there were a few fisticuffs between the 5ft 9in, 13 stone Care and none other than 6ft 4in 19 stone man-mountain Carl Hayman, after which Care admitted: “I told him that I picked him just to let the others know that I’m not going to be messed with."
Rugby Shorts
It doesn't look as if Austin Healy will be getting the job of England backs coach anytime soon. Healy recently had Johnno over to his house and, according to Healy, told him: "Okay, I’ll tell you what, I’ll make you dinner if you give me a job...I’m only joking, you dick . . . no, seriously, you can have the crackling if you give me the backs job". Apparently there was a moment of uncomfortable silence and, at that point, Healy knew he wasn’t getting the job. Shame.- Will the last player to leave New Zealand please turn out the lights? All Black fly half Nick Evans is the latest to abandon ship - arriving in October to play for Harlequins, following a path north trodden by several of his World Cup colleagues including Luke McAlister, Aaron Mauger, Carl Hayman, Chris Jack and Doug Howlett. With Jerry Collins also heavily linked with a move north (although not to Barnstaple, I understand) and with Dan Carter reportedly mulling over a series of lucrative offers, the drain of talent out of New Zealand must seriously dent their domestic product if not the All Blacks themselves. Still, a couple of years of under-achievement might not be a bad thing and might just help them get rid of the tag of being the best side in the world in between World Cups?
- It looks like petty bureaucracy will deny legend Richard Hill a proper farewell in front of the Saracens fans at Vicarage Road. Under the terms of their groundshare agreement with Watford FC, Saracens cannot use the Vicarage Road stadium 24 hours or less before a football match and Watford play on Sunday afternoon. No problem, just bring Saracens' game with Bristol forward to midday and the problem is solved. Except that it isn't - Premier Rugby insists that all last-round fixtures start simultaneously, despite the fact that Saracens v Bristol is, in effect, a dead-rubber, the result having no bearing on who might or might not reach the play-offs. What this "rules is rules" mentality means is that Hilda will say his farewells in the less than salubrious surroundings of Milton Keynes. Shame on you, Premier Rugby.
This is how it's done...
A great try from the 2007 Touch Rugby World Cup Final...